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tv   The Late Show With Stephen Colbert  CBS  October 19, 2015 11:35pm-12:37am EDT

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would be nice >> thank you, danielle. convention? >> yeah, that sounds like fun. >> oh yeah, we'll investigate that. >> good night. intro music band playing "late show" theme ) ( cheers and applause ) stephen! stephen! stephen! cheers and applause
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( ) >> stephen: i got him! welcome! welcome to "the late show." thank you very much, everybody. welcome to "the late show with stephen colbert." hey, everybody. everybody see yesterday's, thursday night football game? you all see that. i saw it by accident because i tried to watch my show last night. once again, i got bumped by "thursday night football." this time, my show didn't start until 12:35 a.m. and last night was my special pope show, so football didn't just bump me; it bumped the pope. ( laughter ) fellas, god gives you all those touchdowns, and this is how you thank him? now, this is going to happen five more times this season, so
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i guess i shouldn't work so hard on thursdays. please tune in next week for my new segment, "stephen colbert to arrive." ( laughter applause ) and-- i'm so glad-- people love takeout. it's very exciting. anyway, i am so glad you could be here tonight on friday. weekends planned. i'm not doing much. i'm going to snake out the drain in my utility room. oh, and hosting the global citizen festival with hugh jackman in central park. ( cheers and applause ) no big deal-- 60,000 people. me and hugh jackman. we're the new celebrity power couple. the tabloids have kind of a cute name for us. it's hugh jackman. whenever you see that name, they're talking about both of us, really.
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that's saturday. and don't forget on sunday night, there's going to be a full lunar eclipse. so, parents, don't forget to point up at the sky and tell your children the moon is going away because they've been bad. ( laughter ) we've got a great show for you tonight. my first guest tonight is malala yousafzai. ( cheers and applause ) that's the audience you want. she is the pakistani human rights champion who last year won the nobel peace prize when she was just 17. i gotta say, that looks pretty good on a college application. but i'm sure president of the yearbook committee is impressive, too. then, from the hit show "scandal," we've got kerry washington. ( cheers and applause )
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recently that her celebrity crush was pope francis. and i don't know how to tell her this, but, girl, he's just not that into you. and my musical guest is the arcs, whose debut single was about boxing, so keep the beat with tonight's performance by punching yourself in the face. oh, i know that sound from tv! it's jon batiste and stay human. say hey, everybody. ) jams, one last thing-- switzerland has opened criminal proceedings against the president the world soccer federation. they accused him of not only taking bribes, but touching them
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tonight, i welcome nobel prize winner malala yousafzai... kerry washington... a musical performance by the arcs. featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now, it's time for "the late cheers and applause
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folks, as you can tell, i am excited, i am excited for tonight's show. of course, here in new york, everyone's ecstatic about a visitor to these shores that is inspiring millions to weep tears of joy and devotion. i speak, of course, of the new iphone 6s. ( laughter ) this afternoon, iphone fans lined up at the apple store as the catholic faithful lined up to see the pope's procession through central park. it was hard to decide which object of worship you should line up for. i mean, they're both pretty special, and both available in a protective case. i just don't understand... ( applause ) i just don't understand why the holy father still only comes in pwhite. ( laughter ) now, i'm sure there are many people who wanted to see the pope but weren't able to, including my audience this evening. so to give you all the moving experience of waving at the holy
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right now. please welcome his holiness, pope francis! ( band fanfare ) ( cheers and applause ) wave, everybody! wave! oh, no, the pope is down! the pope is down! ( applause ) ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) thank you for your service, swiss guard. ( cheers and applause ) thank you for your service, swiss guard. folks, that was-- that was kind of fun. ( laughter
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and i gotta say, i needed it because i'm still in a little bit of a state of shock from the news i heard earlier today. speaker of the house, republican majority leader and hand-tooled leather congressman john boehner is resigning his post. it's a sad day for everyone, including... ( cheers and applause ) listen to how sad everybody is! and it's a sad day for everyone, including speaker boehner. just look how dejected he was entering today's press conference. >> zippity doo da day laughter ) >> stephen: there he is going - "zip-a-dee" and "doo-dah." though being speaker of the house makes you second in line for the presidency, apparently boehner's resignation was inspired by an even higher power. >> speaker john boehner told his wife last night he would resign after the pope's visit here to capitol hill. >> when john boehner gave his
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resignation statement, he also flipped the prayer card over that had been handed out by the d.c. diocese yesterday for the visit of pope francis and recited to the caucus, we're told, the prayer of saint francis. >> stephen: i happen to have the prayer of saint francis right here. "oh, thou can take this job and shove it. i ain't working here no more." ( cheers and applause ) i'm sorry, that's saint johnny paycheck. ( laughter ) i'm not surprised the pope inspired john boehner to resign. it must have been difficult for the republican leader to sit there and watch someone whose followers actually listen to him. still, this is something of a shocker. just last week, john boehner described the joys of his job by saying, "garbage men get used to the smell of bad garbage. prisoners learn how to become prisoners, all right?" it's an inspiring message of
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rules, and one day you too could be living in a cage of filth. but now the speaker is done attempting to lead congress, i assume he'll be moving on to a less stressful job, like clearing abandoned minefields with a giant gavel. boehner will officially remain in power in his position until october 30, because the next day on halloween, as always, we'll go back to his job as the great pumpkin. ( cheers and applause ) we'll be right back. stick around. we have malala yousafzai. alaska. finally. the search for brown bears begins. denali highway. low on gas. pit stop. fill up. double points. yep, that' s cold.
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applause ) cheers ) >> stephen: welcome back. welcome back, everybody. folks, gay marriage is still a controversial issue in this country, despite the fact that it's not. ( laughter ) i think everyone should be able to love whoever they want, so i was miffed when kentucky county clerk and forehead magnate kim davis refused to issue marriage
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but i also felt bad for her when that judge sent her to jail, and even worse when she was sentenced to spend an afternoon with mike huckabee. ( laughter ) it's cruel and unusual. because she's not alone. just look at iowa congressman, and freshly plucked owl, steve king. while introducing mike huckabee at a campaign event just this summer, king criticized the supreme court's ruling that legalized gay marriage by claiming it means, "you can marry my lawnmower." ( laughter ) it makes sense. i mean, who hasn't looked at a manifold on a two-stroke toro and thought, "damn, i wouldn't mind yanking that cord?" and keep in mind, he's a congressman. king's not some crazy old man yelling at us to get off his lawn and onto his mower. he has sound, legal backing from for his theories. it's some guy he met. he says, "i had a lawyer tell me what it brings about is, it only requires one human being in this
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relationship, that you could marry your lawnmower with this decision. i think he's right." yes, the supreme court decision was very clear-- marriage is between one man and any other noun. ( laughter ) i'm not surprised. my college roommate was in a common law marriage with a tube sock. ( applause ) they were from different backgrounds but somehow they made it work. and congressman king's not the only one who believes gay marriage has opened the matrimonial floodgates. so does former doctor and future former candidate ben carson, who recently warned that if same-sex couples are allowed to marry, then "more groups" will also want the right to marry. yeah, not gay groups, some "other groups." you know, the ones who turn up
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groups" pride parade. problem is, you got people who don't want to issue the marriage licenses or bake cakes for gay couples, so who's going to provide party planning for steve king's nightmare marriage scenarios? i will. ( cheers and applause ) because where some see a slippery slope to depravity, i see a slippery slope to some cash. that's why, tonight, i'm proud to introduce "stephen colbert's all-inclusive wedding cake toppers." here at stephen colbert's all- inclusive wedding cake toppers, we provide wedding cake figurines for any marriage imaginable. naturally, let's get out the cake here. mmm! naturally, we've got the traditional topper.
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we've got one man and one woman, okay. and then you got the nontraditional traditionals. you got two men. and you got two women. and you've got two women and one man. ( laughter ) had a shot at that once. i chickened out. you got two men, one woman. you got an all-female throuple, okay. and you got the classic three women, two men, where one man is married to two of the women and the other man is married to the other woman but his wife is also married to one of the other two wives. this fall on t.l.c. ( cheers and applause ) mmm! but if steve king and ben carson are right, then i have to be ready for an eventuality. which is why tonight i'm also
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introducing cake toppers for a man and a ghost. a man and a box turtle. ( laughter ) 15 babies in top hats. the eiffel tower and dora the explorer. ( applause ) no swiping. and a fox, a chicken, and bag of grain. they have to get married. they have to get married because you can't leave one of them alone with any of the others, on either side of the river. okay. we've got a dog and two cats in a trench coat pretending to be a person. let's see. alien and predator and robocop and the blues brothers. ( cheers and applause
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airplane-sized vodka bottle and "world's greatest grandpa." they've actually been living together for a long time. and, of course, how can i not provide a topper for steve king and his lawnmower? ( cheers and applause ) ( laughs ) may i kiss the bride? congratulations, steve! you two have a great honeymoon, but for god's sake, don't forget to wear protection. we'll be right back with malala yousafzai. ( cheers and applause ) (nature sounds) she can rage,
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( applause ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: that's a party i want to go to. welcome back, everybody. my guest tonight is an advocate for childhood education, the youngest person to ever win a nobel peace prize, and the subject of the new documentary "he named me malala." >> it is an honor for me to be speaking to you again. thank you for every person who has prayed for my fast recovery in a new life. the taliban shot me on the left side of my forehead. they shot my friends, too. they thought that the bullet would silence us. but nothing changed except this- - weakness, fear, and hopelessness died. strength, fervor and courage was
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born. >> stephen: please welcome malala yousafzai. ( cheers and applause ) ( cheers and applause ) cheers and applause ) >> thank you. thank you so much. cheers and applause ) thank you. thank you so much. thank you so much for being here. as you can see, you're inspirational, and you have a
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lot of fans here. usually, that kind of reception for teen-aged girls usually means it's taylor swift in the united states. ( laughter ) but you inspire people all over the world. let me just give a little review for people who may not know your story. you have been advocating girls' education since you were 11. at age 15, you stood up to the taliban in pakistan, and they shot you in the head. >> yes. >> stephen: you recovered. you have spoken at the u.n. twice, you won the nobel peace prize, you wrote a memoir, and you won a grammy for the audio book of that memoir, and now "he named me malala." what do you do for fun? you're 18. what do you do for fun around the house? >> i'm lucky, i have two little brothers and we just fight all the time. ( laughter ) >> stephen: now, your brothers might be the only people in the world who aren't impressed with you. do you ever say to them, "you have to do what i say. i have a nobel peace prize."
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education outside the house, and in the house, you're not doing your homework on time, not paying attention to your teachers, not doing school work, so charity begins at home. campaigning begins at home. ( laughter ) >> stephen: "you've got to do your homework. you're making me look bad." >> yeah, yeah. >> stephen: well, i've got an older system, and you tell your brothers they should definitely do what you say because my sister is the only one who can tell me what to do. >> it's a law. ( laughter ). >> stephen: it is a law. now, one of the things that's extraordinary about your story to me, as a lot of people, is you say you're not mad at the men who shot you. how do you maintain that spirit of forgiveness? what is it that leads you to that? >> so, i think of the world as-- as a happy place, and i believe that i should treat others the way i want them to treat me. and it's a very simple rule already there, the golden rule, to treat others the way that you want them to treat you. and i want everyone to be kind
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to me, to love me, to take care of me, to forgive me, if i do something bad. and that's what i have chosen in my life, that i have forgiven them, and i'm hopeful that they will change. and it's not just them, but many other people who are picking up guns. i'm telling them put down your guns and try to do things in a peaceful way. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: you spoke at the did you get a chance to say hi to his holiness? >> no. >> stephen: no? even you can't get tickets. laughter ). laughter ) laughter ) a normal person stuck in traffic because the pope was going there. >> stephen: tell us what the what are you hoping to do with
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it? >> so, before that, i had this dream to have all girls' education to have people get together, make a team and do things on the ground. we need to do something for ourselves. and when i got attacked, really, it was that moment when i had to choose whether to, the campaign or not. but i felt what is the worst thing than this attack that i can ever face in my life? i was targeted, and after i survived, and i said what else is there to be afraid of, what else to be scared of? i have seen that already. and i-- it just came to my heart that god does not want me so early, and he is supporting me in my cause, god is supporting me in my cause, and i decided to continue the campaign. through the malala fund, we have three objectives, investment-- doing projects on the ground, building schools in pakistan, in
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syrian refugee children. and then we do advocacy, meeting world leaders to ask them to ensure 12 years of quality education for every child. and this is what i spoke for in the u.n., and also to find the voices of young girls, and you can see some girls are here with me. >> stephen: right here in the front row. and i think... i-- i'm sorry to say, i hit one of them with a pope mobile just a little while ago. i hope you're okay. are you all right? is everything okay? i don't want to be sued by the malala fund. that would be very embarrassing. you have been very critical of world readers and their response to the syrian refugee crisis. what more do you think we should be doing other than replacing world leaders with young women
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) what can the world do-- what can the world do, do you believe, in the face of such a massive crisis? >> so as an individual, through the malala fund, i said what can i do? and i built a school in lebanon for syrian refugee girls, and one of them is here. her name is salamb. salamb is here, she studies in that school, and i have brought her here in order to raise her voice because now i believe i have become the voice of children and i am speaking on their behalf. to all people, i would say it's important that you help from your side. it's the duty of all of us to contribute in whichever way possible, whether it's through donations, through supporting organizations that are working for education, whether it's just joining the campaign. it's joining this movement to say that education is a right of every child, every child, east, west, poor, rich. it's a very basic human right that should be given to every child. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: i agree. can you stick around for just a moment more?
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>> definitely. >> stephen: stick around for malala yousafzai, thanks very much, everybody. fferent? two words: it heals. how? with heat. unlike creams and rubs that mask the pain, thermacare has patented heat cells that penetrate deep to increase circulation and accelerate healing. let's review: heat, plus relief, plus healing, equals thermacare. the proof that it heals is you. lift with your legs. it's not going to fit up the stairs. what time does goodwill close? google voice: goodwill is open till 9pm. show me a moving company nearby. google voice: moving company within 6 miles. how do i get to 3221 carter ave.? 226 hyde street. google voice: here are your directions. when does my package arrive? google voice: your most recent order has shipped. thank you. setting new home address. text mom: i really like it here. i can't find my discover card! wait, i can freeze my account. [touch tone]
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>> yes. and it was my wish to do something on the ground to... before asking world leaders like obama and the president and prime ministers of nigeria and lebanon and jordan, i wanted to do something myself. and then to tell them that i have built one school. can you... can you do this? >> stephen: oh, snap. ( laughter ) boom! "i build a school!" >> but they are responsible people. build it. that's true. happy birthday. i know it's in a while. ( applause ) there's one last thing, one last thing. i understand, besides inspiring people, you also do a little bit of magic. and i understand that you-- you can do a card trick. could i see? could i see your card trick? >> yes. do you know any card tricks? >> stephen: i know a couple. i know a couple. do you know this one? can you do a one-handed cut like that? >> no, i'm not that good. >> stephen: think of the 7 of clubs. you got the 7 of clubs in your
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head? >> yeah, yeah. >> stephen: is this your card? >> yes. >> stephen: it's one of the tricks i know. have you got one? ( laughter ) >> stephen: yeah, yeah. >> no, actually -- >> i'm a professional. >> i really believed you. ( laughter ) ( applause ) it did work on me. >> stephen: so i'd love to see. >> choose a number. >> stephen: choose a number. do i tell you? >> between 1 to 9. >> stephen: 5. >> you like 5. i'm going to take these cards, one, two, three, yeah, four, and then five. check this card. you don't show it to me. and just notice it. you can show it to the audience. >> stephen: i look at the top card? >> look at the top card. don't show it to me. >> stephen: don't show it to them? >> you can show it to them. done? put it back. >> stephen: we showed it, and i put it back. >> okay, and now you can shuffle all these.
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>> stephen: wow. i'm going to warn our affiliates we might be going long. >> just to make sure there are >> stephen: no, there are no cameras. it's fine. there you go. reading mind. ( laughter ) and i know what's going in your laughter ) laughter ) >> i can see. i haven't heard anything yet, ( cheers and applause ) okay. so, your answer should be yes or no. okay? so i'm going to ask you whether it's your card or not, and you are going to tell me-- i think it might be. okay. is this your card? yes or no? >> stephen: no. >> put your hand on this card. laughter )
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is this your card? >> stephen: no. >> put your hand on this one. blow on this one two times. >> stephen: two times? >> yeah. >> and this one four times. ( laughter ). >> i think this is your card. >> stephen: i don't-- you can show it. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: her name is malala yousafzai. she's appearing at caesar's palace! the movie is "he named me malala." it opens in theaters on october 2 and nationwide october 9. join malala's movement at thank you so much. rushing to work all those years from time in the service... to different jobs... to community college... all that hard work, it matters.
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at dunkin', we make your coffee just the way you like it. if not, we'll make it again on the spot. see you tomorrow. that's the dd commitment. america runs on dunkin'. ( applause ) >> stephen: hey, hey! yeah, man. yeah! all right, welcome back, everybody. my next guest is a co-host of the global citizen festival in central park tomorrow and the star of "scandal." please welcome kerry washington. ( cheers and applause ) ( applause ) ( cheers ) ( cheers ) >> hi! >> stephen: thanks for being here. >> i got no magic tricks.
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tricks? >> i got none. >> stephen: girl, you are magic. >> oh! >> stephen: you are emmy- and golden globe-nominated actor and producer. abc. last night, season 5 premiere had over 10 million viewers. you might be the only pope more >> no way! all? have you gotten near the guy? >> i was at an event last night and i was in the middle of the red carpet, and i heard some of the reporters on the red carpet were missing, and there is a bag i designed called the purple purse to end domestic violence. go to and i was at this event and heard he was three minutes away, and i ran off the carpet with two crews from the carpet. we all ran across the street from the plaza hotel. >> stephen: to get away from the pope? >> no, to see him! >> stephen: i thought he was coming to the red carpet. >> no, he was driving by on fifth avenue and we stood out there and i got to see him wave from his fiat.
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>> stephen: oh, so adorable! >> everybody was like "pope is seeing pope!" >> stephen: absolutely, yeah. ( laughter ) now, you and i are both co-hosts of the global citizen festival tomorrow. >> so exciting. >> stephen: can i ask, what are you wearing? because i don't know what to wear when saving world. are you going formal or fun? >> i'm doing a cocktail-business kind of number. >> stephen: what is a cocktail- business? that sounds like a waitress. >> not too formal. not to casual. what are you going to wear? >> stephen: i was thinking of wearing hugh jackman because we're on the stage a lot of the time. >> a lot of people would want to do that. >> stephen: what is the issue that interests you most? >> it's empowering women all over the world. i think the one thing we consider in common, we all came from a woman. it may be a complicated relationship you have with that woman, but we all have that in common, so we have to really
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empower girls. i think what malala does is so amazing. >> stephen: did you get to meet her? >> i did get to meet her. >> stephen: she is just lovely. >> she is magic. >> stephen: did you see the magic trick? >> i did. i was intimidated. >> stephen: scared me a little bit. scared me a little bit. >> when i was 17, 18, i could not do magic. nor did i have a nobel peace prize. ( laughter ) >> stephen: as someone who plays a political fixer... >> yes. >> stephen: ...on television, do you-- do you see things that are happening in washington and you go, "man, they need olivia pope?" >> yeah. ( laughter ) all the time. and i actually-- my character is inspired by a real woman named judy smith who used to work in the first bush white house, but did not have sex with that president like i do on my show. but she-- not in real life, on my show. but she-- she actually is a fixer out in the world. and i can tell when i'm watching the news when she fixes
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>> she's still a fixer? >> yes, this is what she does. >> stephen: she deals with a crisis for someone in washington-- >> i can watch somebody having a scandal happening and i can tell the moment her fingerprint is on it and the conversation changes and the spin changes and it's handled completely differently. >> stephen: does that frighten you at all? we're all being lied to all the time. ( laughter ) i know it's fun to imagine that you know somebody who is actually turning the dials and pulling the levers, but does that frighten you at all? >> for me, it doesn't frighten me because she's my friend. >> stephen: so, so she's evil on your side. >> that's correct. mwa-ha-ha. >> stephen: "voldemort is a good guy. you would like him." you are producing and you're also going to star as anita hill. >> yeah. >> stephen: in an hbo biopic
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>> it's not actually a biopic. it's not anita hill's film. it's the story of the senate confirmation hearings for judge thomas. so it's a kind of peek behind the curtain into what was really happening. >> stephen: for people out there who perhaps were not listening to it at the time, what happened was clarence thomas was nominated to the supreme court, and anita hill came out and said she had been sexually harassed... >> that's correct. >> stephen: thomas, and ultimately the committee did not believe her and confirmed judge thomas. why do you think they didn't believe her? >> it's more complicated than that. >> stephen: it is more complicated than that? >> it's a lot more complicated than that. >> stephen: okay, how is it more complicated than that? >> you should watch the movie. ( laughter ) >> stephen: now, this is hbo. does it have dragons in it or anything like that? because that would be complicated. >> i'm playing the version of the anita hill that has blond braids and i fly on dragons. >> stephen: do you think-- could she have used an olivia pope?
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washington fixing was geared up in order to make her look bad? because there certainly was a media hit job put out on her. >> you are really going to find this movie very interesting. >> stephen: i'm finding it interesting already and i don't know anything about it. ( laughter ) >> it really is kind of a look at the machine at work and how everybody was impacted. and there were a lot of key players like judge thomas and anita hill and joe biden. all of these people were not yet household names. yeah. >> stephen: biden was... i won't say hostile but he was certainly skeptical of clarence thomas in those hearings. i remember that part. ( laughter ) >> i... >> you stay off my buddy, joe. you stay off my buddy joe. >> i'm a joe fan. >> stephen: yeah? >> yeah, yeah. >> stephen: you don't believe he was skeptical of clarence thomas? >> i think you have to watch the movie! >> stephen: wait a second. it's not like you're giving away an ending that we don't know already. >> no, no -- >> there are no spoiler alerts. >> i would argue with you. >> stephen: he was confirmed to be a justice of the supreme court. >> that's true. that's true.
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but what was really going on behind the scenes is full of spoiler alerts because there are so many more subtleties than we know about. that's why the project was so interesting to me. because when you have these moments in american history when you think you know what was going on and somebody says, "yes, but... there is so much more to learn about who we are and our country and our history and how we have become who we are. that excites me. >> stephen: is there anything more to learn about "scandal," because just when you think something crazier can't happen on that show-- what happened when you get the script? does it blow your mind? >> it does. every week, i feel shocked. next week's episode-- when i turned to the last page, said i don't know how to do that. if we do that, then what happens. >> stephen: tell me everything that happens. >> no, no! i can't. >> stephen: come back after it happens. >> okay, fine. >> stephen: kerry, thank you for being here. "scandal" airs thursdays on abc. kerry washington, everybody. we'll be right back.
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captioning sponsored by cbs >> stephen: welcome back. and now performing "out of my mind" from their new album, "yours dreamily," please welcome the arcs. >> i heard i lost my self control but everything i did just went and turned to gold i love the pictures on the wall reminding me of what i lost to
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outta my mind but i made it outta my mind i'm faded outta my mind the ones, i love have left my side outta my mind but i made it yeah i'm old enough to know the game but pushing buttons now is all that keeps me sane what about tomorrow night? maybe we can take too much and start a fight
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but i made it outta my mind i'm faded outta my mind the ones, i love have left my side outta my mind but i made it yeah somebody help me now because i don't know how
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outta my mind but i made it outta my mind outta my mind but i made it outta my mind i'm faded outta my mind the ones i love have left my side outta my mind but i made it yeah. ( cheers and applause
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>> stephen: the arcs' new album, ( cheers and applause
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people want change, they want reform, but just carping about it and whining about it and making speeches about it nobody has shaken up the system more than i have. i've always been unorthodox in this and against the grain. but you know what? i know how to get it done. new day independent media committee, inc. is responsible for the content
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